In a culture where thinness is too often equated with physical attractiveness, success, and happiness, nearly everyone has dealt with issues (to some degree or another) regarding the effect their weight and body shape can have on their self-image.

“Each year, more than 5 million Americans are affected by serious and often life-threatening eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa, binge-eating, bulimia nervosa, compulsive eating, obesity, and pica. Left untreated, the emotional, psychological and physical consequences can be devastating, even fatal. Eating disorders know no class, cultural, or gender boundaries and can affect men, women, adolescents, and even children, from all walks of life.” (www.eating-disorders.com)

Anorexia nervosa is an emotional disorder, which causes an obsessive desire to loose weight and not eat. Bulimia nervosa is also an emotional disorder which causes an obsession to loose weight and overeat followed by an onset of depression and self-purging and vomiting. Both disorders are recognized medical conditions that cause the mind to distort one’s body image.

I struggled through most of high school with an eating disorder. I went from 120 lbs. down to around 85 lbs.  I worked out constantly, ran till I’d pass out, and skipped as many meals as I could and still stay alive. What others said they saw in me was not what I saw in the mirror.

I hated every minutes of this struggle and wanted “out.”  But it felt like a very dark and hopeless place. People who struggle with eating disorders often do so alone. It is a “Catch-22″ really.  You want someone to know because you want help, but at the same time, you don’t want anyone to find out because if someone does, they will just make you eat again in hopes that this will fix the problem!  So oftentimes it seems easier to stay silent.

For years, I fought to really find complete victory in this area. After getting married, I did not starve myself anymore, but I would still watch what I ate and miss a meal here and there. Furthermore, I could never receive a compliment…even from my husband. So this struggle was not just affecting me, but my husband as well. It was hard for him to see me not able to believe how he viewed me.

I know so many people who constantly battle with their thoughts about the appearance.  Most feel nearly hopeless that they will ever truly be free of the tormenting battle that wages inside their head.  But there really is hope of being completely free. The enemy wants you to think you will never be free and that is “just the way you are.” But it’s a lie.  I finally got truly free this summer.  I had not acted out any of my thoughts for years, but still wrestled with being overly self-conscious and self-condemning. Oftentimes the mind can be the biggest prison though. I have been set free from that prison and I desire to see many more set free.

I have come to the conclusion that this struggle is a “watershed” issue.  By that I mean, the eating disorder is usually not the main issue.  Rarely are eating disorders about dieting or vanity; they’re complex psychological disorders in which an individual’s eating patterns are developed—and then habitually maintained—in an attempt to cope with other problems in their life.  However, as the one struggling with the eating disorder, we usually try to fix the eating disorder itself…we read books, memorize scriptures, pray, go to counseling, etc., trying to attack the actual issue of our eating or wrong mindset.

That is what I did for not only the 4 years I struggled in high school, but for the many years afterward when my wrong mindset still had not been fully changed. And it never seemed to really worked. I would gain a little ground, and then go three steps backwards. It felt like an endless cycle.  Rather than being free of the feelings and thought patterns, I became proficient at suppressing my feelings really well some days, and other days, not so much. But the issue never really went away, no matter how much I stuffed it down.

So this summer, the Lord showed me that what I’d been doing all my life was similar to “mowing the grass.”  There are weeds mixed in with the grass, and you mow it all to make it look pretty, but it is a temporary fix because eventually, it grows back and looks ugly again. So you mow it again.  The weeds never go away by mowing them, but by pulling them up by the roots and getting rid of them.

So as I would attack the glaring issue without ever asking Him to reveal the root, I was “mowing the grass” and it kept coming back. I never got true victory over it…it was just a temporary “fix”.  This summer the Lord helped me to find the root of why I have thought this way for so many years. And in that process, He brought healing because He pin-pointed the root, pulled it up, and then brought in healing for what caused so much wrong thinking in the first place.

Sometimes it is an event that happens to us as a child, something someone says, or ideas that are adopted based on our own perceptions as children or teenagers.  Regardless of the root, it requires healing.  After the healing of that event, there may be a need to identify lies that have been adopted based on the original root.  Those lies may be hard to spot because they have become such a part of you that they are truth to you!

God brings healing for each person in a different way, but I do think it involves inviting other people into the process. In the Bible, there is a story of when Jesus’ good friend Lazarus dies.  Jesus raises him from the dead 2 days later and Lazarus walks out in his grave clothes. So although Lazarus was very much alive,  He was still in bondage.  Jesus, who had just raised his friend from the dead, could have unbound him, but He didn’t.  He turned to Lazarus’ friends and said, “YOU take off the grave clothes and let him go.”  I think by that, Jesus was showing us that He is the one who breathes life back into us but it is the members of the body of Christ that actually help people out of their bondage and into freedom.

If anyone is reading this who is struggling, please do not do so in silence.  It helps to let other people into that journey with you. There is hope to be completely free.  Healing may need to come at many different levels…emotional, physical, and spiritual. I by no means have all the answers, but know what this journey can be like and can share from my own experiences. Contact me if you need anything at info@healthyoates.com.